& Back, Stabbed.

Read carefully now.

2006-09-29T06:36:00.000-07:00

By scars I mean emotional scars, not cuts.

D:<

Kthnxbye.

Squint your eyes.

2006-09-29T05:23:00.000-07:00

English Literature, Much Ado About Nothing, was terrific.

Here are some of my thoughts on the movie (KEANU REEVES ZOMG) :

- Claudio is an idiot because he doubted Hero's love for him, and publicly denounced her during their wedding. Without checking the facts, he slandered Hero as a wanton. Male ego, tsk.

- The love between Benedick and Beatrice was very intriguing and hilarious, as Benedick has claimed that they both "cannot woo peaceably". Beatrice = modern minded woman. Benedick seems to be the negative to Beatrice's positive - loggerheads but they click with each other just perfectly.

- Margaret was used by Borachio who wanted to help his master, Don John. However, in the end it seems as though Borachio really loves Margaret, and leaves her out of things.

- Leonato is an idiot who does not believe in his daughter, rather believing in slanders and prestige (he believes in the words of the Prince).

- Don John the Bastard (KEANU REEVES!) is damn hot.

I desperately need Hallmark on TV. Much Ado About Nothing is showing up on Hallmark on 8th October, and I would probably mosey over to somebody's house to watch. Teck Seng has not confirmed it yet, and it just seems pretty weird if I go to his house to watch MAaN while he studies Biology.

D:<

I am very angry right now, after watching CrimeWatch on Channel 8. Despite what most people think that Singapore is a safe place, I hate those foreign workers who come over to Singapore and they rape girls.

And based on that program, most of those sex offenders are black. It is not racism, but I don't see that many Chinese so hard up for sex. Sure, Chinese has more criminals in terms of murders, robberies etc but most of the sexual offenders are black.

I am angry. How can that black man ride on his bicycle and grope the breasts of girls?

What a disgrace to men. Honestly, can't all of you hold in your sexual desires or something?

Ohwell. Tanthy dear, I still love you.

Closer, closer.

2006-09-29T02:47:00.000-07:00

I am getting closer to the number.

I totally screwed today's Examinations. Mr. A Tang said there wasn't brochures or leaflets, but it had! And as expected, I didn't study the format at all so I expect to fail. The composition that I wrote was "Describe a time where you had to lie to prevent somebody from being punished", but I ended up writing two pages on my friend and I.

*proceeds to bang head against the table*

And for the Chinese Paper 1...they decided to scrap Descriptive Essays and Narrative Essays, and this year we had all Discussive and that wrecked Newspaper Reflection (bao zhang du huo gan).

I was seriously depressed. My Descriptive Essays were my forte and the rest I failed at, but I had to do them.

My Situation Writing for both sucked too. I am experiencing a drain of creative juices, more like.

I need to relax.

{I want Once A December's score for Piano!}

Grinning at times.

2006-09-28T02:23:00.000-07:00

I finally passed one freaking Physics paper, but well well well she had to win me in terms of marks and made me feel all bad because she is a Combined Science student.

Anyway. Was quite disappointed with yesterday's A Maths results, because I had expected to pass but I failed quite horribly too - now I really really need a bloody 93 to pass A Maths, if not I am a goner.

My career and everything that lies on that line.

I hate myself at times - to pay the bloody price only now and to feel the circumstances of not choosing to take Higher Chinese when I was in Primary five. Now my choices come back to haunt me, and I've realised every single stupid step that I take affects my O's.

Every thing that I have declined, has now came back to haunt me for me to realise that they can shave points off my O's.

WHY WHY JUST WHAT THE FUCK WHY?!

Secondary three is so bloody competitive, especially with all those people in my school. I hate everything and now even more crap are being piled on my shoulders. Expectations from everybody, burdens, problems and just everything that is fucked.

I hate everything.

Examinations are starting tomorrow and I can't bring myself to face it. I can't.

I am a lot weaker than I think I am.

{edit 6.09pm}

I was just bloghopping around contentedly and out of boredom when I realised quite a few number of things. Nobody really knows each other - they only pretend to be. I am just ranting, I am full of nonsense. Don't mind me.

If only I could pen some of those thoughts down...maybe I won't be so troubled?

{/edit}

I die.

2006-09-26T22:32:00.000-07:00

I must be the only person that is going to get so damn fucked.

I regret for not working hard for A Maths, taking everything like a great big fucking joke. Now I am paying the price for my actions. Indeed...now, I have to score at least 93 for A Maths for EoY just to break even, to pass.

If I fail A Maths, I won't get the chance to take it next year. I will be forced to drop it, and there goes my chances of taking Arts stream in JC. I will have to take Sciences, something that I hate and am not good at.

There goes my future. My life. My career.

It's fucking crumbling in front of me and I feel so helpless. A bloody 93. Can I even achieve it? Only to break even. And I still have other problematic subjects like Physics, and E Maths - both which I too need an A1 (of at least 85 marks) to break even.

I feel like crying and c******, s******* and so many more.

Every thing that is wrong is crashing upon me, wave after wave. I have no strength to carry on, no more.

This just had to happen after a major disappointment, one that happened so many times but I am still fucking gullible to open my heart and to trust again.

No more...

{edit : 5.06pm}

I read through my old diary today. Those raw emotions came flooding back, and it was not a good feeling. From eighty-nine back then, to a scary number of nine hundred and seventy-one. But emotions don't change. Those scars left in me were actually carried for two years, and they keep on accumulating.

And fuck Singapore's MOE. Higher Chinese = 4 points off for O Levels? Now I really regret not taking HCL and missing that darned 0.6 marks to get into HCL.

{/edit}

Quickly.

2006-09-26T01:41:00.000-07:00

I hate the way the words are flashed to the center, and the bloody HTML doesn't work D:

Anyway.

My heart nearly failed today, and I wonder how long does it take for me to die. Maybe one minute? One second? I don't know now. The feeling when my heart nearly failed was horrible - choking, suffocating and so much more. But yet deep down in me I knew I wanted to. Wanted to leave everything and just go.

I am never ever going to tell about me and the things happening to others again. The same things happen over and over again, their reactions are so fucked alike - when they don't understand no shit at all.

I am sick of this. So sick of everything.

Today I flunked my Oral.

"Is being famous good?"

"It has its pros and cons."

"What are the pros?"

"Uh...if you go to a foreign place you won't get attacked because you will be surrounded by security guards."

"..." *laughs*

ZOMG. DIE!

一次错过的机会

2006-09-25T05:49:00.000-07:00

As promised, my Chinese Compo that got an A ~

<<一次错过的机会>>

时间的沙子,在我周围一滴一滴地掉落了.

生活淡而无味. 每天犹如狗一样生活. 我早已失去想的能力, 但有一天我却收到一封信...

我也忘了. 没有她的日子, 过得特别快, 仿佛是一片混乱. 眨个眼, 就过了. 每天起床, 上班, 吃饭, 睡觉.

我也忘了. 没有她的日子, 似乎无精无彩, 仿佛以灰暗伴日子.

没有她...

我还记得. 都是那一次, 那一次她赐给我的一次机会. 她, 从那一刻, 从我手心消失了. 我再也感觉不到她的温柔...

我还记得. 那一晚非常美丽. 黑色天空中, 微有丝丝小雨. 阴月高挂在空中, 而星星就像一闪一闪的 "海盗宝藏"; 当时我是一个年轻的学生, 而她是我的同班同学.

一次机会...一线希望.

我却浪费了它.

她叫我陪她去美国读书, 还为我买了机票. 但是我拒绝了, 还对开了玩笑.

"我毕业后就在大公司工作, 为何要放弃? 难道不成是为了你?" 我笑着说.

我还记得那美丽迷人的晚上, 她哭了. 犹如一串珍珠的眼泪, 却如瀑布落下. 我握着她的手, 她却甩开跑走; 瞬间我知道错了. 可是, 事情无法挽回. 看她的背影渐渐从我的视线不见, 我心里也默默流泪.

我能陪她过一生, 却在一时之间放弃了. 错过的机会, 我付出的代价也太大了吧?

现在的我在后悔.

我收到的那一封信...

"盛明, 希望你能来到我的婚礼. 你的旧同学, 敏."

我哭了.

那一次错过的机会啊...

I admit, I don't think it's fabulous but I like what my teacher wrote.

It's a touching story, cliche but...Aw I am a die hard romantic.

With a goodbye wave.

2006-09-25T00:15:00.000-07:00

I have written my last letter,
Written it in blood.
For everything that didn't matter,
I've etched it in scars.

One step two steps,
A dance of death.
Three steps four steps,
A waltz of faith.

But when faith is broken,
Those tears flow.
And when the hope is stolen,
Don't take it slow.

Why the fuck is the BMC thread and the TC thread suddenly attacked by the Sept idiots. I am mean, my hormones are raging so it's preferably not the best to come and tackle/debate/argue with me. I need ice-cream D:

~~Hey I just saw a photo of two hot girls frenching each other. Suddenly I feel better.~~

Anyway, I had Dental today. Tightening my braces were never something to rave about, and as usual they hurt like a bitch and that dentist of mine accidentally snipped my lips with those scissors. It bloody hurt, dammnit.

I want to go bungee (bungy?) jumping! I want that adrenaline rush, I think I need it.

I feel good today actually. I mean, how many times do you walk into a 7-eleven and the cashier smiles at you? That's what the cashier at the SHC did. It was really nice. Not to mention the pretzel pieces I had was salty, but good. Overly salty but...Never mind, I must get my fat ass off my chair. Go and work out, you dumb male!

I still remember when I was young, I always had dreams of running so fast that I was skimming on the floor, almost flying and almost not. It was a very nice feeling, and always got me excited. I still have such dreams, but I don't feel those feelings anymore. Instead it is when I dream of morbid things that gets my feelings pumping.

Fucking SGCafe is fucking lagging again. Fuck SGCafe.

On a side note, I get irritated by girls and guys who keeps to the stereotypes that girls must be fucking gentle at all times (I've added the at all times due to the fact that I believe all girls are gentle, it just depends on whether the receiving end deserves it) and that we can't mutter vulgarities and such.

What the fuck.

Yes, and I get irritated by people who uses bolds and italics without knowing that they are meant to emphasize words for the effect and not for looking pretty but that's an entirely different matter.

Look, if such guys (and some bloody girls) prefer their girls that are weak-minded, gentle and all those kind of shitty demure things, you'd be better off with a brainless frog. And that applies to dumbasses who fucking change their online persona to suit other people.

Heck no. You're depriving yourself of your originality.

I am childish, immature and so much more - but yet I prove myself (at times) to be more mature (think straight people) than some of the idiots in SGCafe, in school and just about everywhere.

Ahhhh I am assuming again. Must get that bad habit out of my system, non?

{Edit : I am feeling kinda grouchy today but my classmates said my baby pictures are cuuuuuuute :D Shall be generous and post them up later.

Oh. And sometimes, I feel so much older than my age.}

Short sweet questions to the heart.

2006-09-23T04:37:00.000-07:00

I love Jesuke.

Who is currently going to cosplay these characters of my love : Dark (from DNAngel), Kaede Nagase (Mahou Sensei Negima) and possibly, somebody from Ouran!

Oh darn I just saw another group for Ouran on sgcosplay so it's a total of eight groups this year, and there is another Mahou Sensei Negima group.

But anyway. Ours has so much more people...and it would be more successful (I hope).

That aside, today was the study group outing. Tanthy had to go at two, which was kind of sad. The only people left were me, Izu, Silcyn and Alfred.

Hm. Alfred seemed so active online but offline he was so quiet. Is it because I kind of neglected him? D:

I am sorry Alfred! *bows*

After Alfred left, we played this sadistic game where we smacked each other's palms, and the sound...well, people turned to stare at us so we sort of left for cake.

Izu had the chocolate cake (latex!) and I had the Tiramisu one. Silcyn had a Chocolate ice-blended and we were just talking about random stuff.

Izu left later while me and Silcyn went to Pastamania (no wonder I keep getting fat)!

Wait a minute. I am going to weigh myself.

*
*
*
*

Okay, I am going to commit seppuku now. I have just gained two fucking kilograms.

*
*
*

I need to rant. It might be my nerves but I am going to pop right now.

Lately there are a lot of fucked up things happening and now, I am getting angry over every single small thing. I've set up the Black Magic Club thread, solely for fan-idolizing the understated Nekozawa Umehito and his prestiged Black Magic Club. However, what has turned now is into a spamming thread where the members (I'm biased) come and goes as they want.

I understand that it is their own free will to do so, and I do not own them so I should not be so possessive.

However, if they can seemingly be so enthusiastic towards those other Fanclubs and nonsense spam threads that they go to, why not the BMC thread? Because those friends of theirs are not online? (I am assuming against one person. I'm sorry - I am mean, so feel free to correct me)

How do you forge/define friends? Somebody who is, by their right, an idol on SGCafe? Or somebody who you feel necessarily closer than others? How the fuck do you become closer to others?

Because you started posting in one thread first.

Damn it. I know my anger is irrational but it gets my blood boiling. I don't want to do something stupid like closing my BMC thread because I really do love Nekozawa and some of the Black Magic Club members...those that I have managed to hold a conversation with.

Not those who replies to me just because their friends are there. Really, I have no need for members such as you.

D:<

I am just mean. I am pure mean. Fuck hormones.

Damn it, everything gets on my nerves now. I need a tub of ice-cream.

Stupid things.

2006-09-21T05:04:00.000-07:00

Took from Mori-senpai's blog.

My ex classmates are just a less tad competitive than my current class.

Maybe I should try killing all my enemies.

I don't understand why people make such a big fuss for things they don't understand.

I lose my head whenever I get high on crack.

People say I'm weird.

Love does not exist, and neither should it exist.

Somewhere, someone is dead.

I will always remember that for every moment you have caused me to suffer, it will be back at you tri-fold.

Forever is when I am dead and long gone.

I never want to pretend.

I think the current US president is no better than Osama for declaring war on Iraq.

When I wake up in the morning I have eyebags.

My past is something unnerving.

I get annoyed by a lot of people.

Kisses are the best when they are something cold.

Tomorrow is something that will never come.

I really want something you won't understand.

I have low tolerance for a lot of people.

I'm hurt!

2006-09-21T03:09:00.000-07:00

Three girls snickered past me today calling me, "So fat!"

I was upset. Of course I don't have model proportions like them (tall, thin, perfect skin, clever {they all take nine subjects and are in the top class} etc) : but to put me down is kind of mean. When I don't really know them.

RAWR. Am I that fat? *scrunitizes*

Oh darn. That weird pimple on my nose that keeps pulsating with green pus has just popped today and it keeps bleeding. I am quite sure it will leave a freaking scar (not that I don't have enough of them anyway) on my face. Recently I have so many pimples coming out.

I am ugly. I am fat. I am short. I am slow. I am stupid. I am clumsy.

D:

Mary told me Surds and Indices today! I reckon I've improved in some questions...but not that good yet.

I LOVE MARY.

I love Mary.

2006-09-20T05:05:00.000-07:00

I walked out today with Mary, and we started discussing about preparations for EoY examinations (that girl got THIRD in class!).

I was saying about my lack of motivation, but that lovely girl told me : "I try to win others...I try to win myself."

And it clicked. She promised to help me win (academically of course) all those people that I wanted to.

Darn! I love Mary!

Oh, as for my Art Paper? I failed (as usual *grumble*).

Saturday study group with Silcyn, Izu and Tanthy (and possibly Alfred)!

xD

A quick grin.

2006-09-19T06:55:00.000-07:00

Everything just seems so wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Art Paper today, and I am quite certain I will fail.

Everybody around me has started to study already, and deep in my heart I feel fear. Pure, unadulterated fear. Why shouldn't I? Mary remarked to me today that she felt I didn't give a hoot about the school, about my work and such; that I was just another crude lian (WTF please) and I am morbid/vulgar etc? Those words pierced through my entire being - does everybody look upon me as a lazy, unmotivated girl? It is not a surprise that nobody really likes me...but to doubt my character when they don't even know me?

For people who do not even bother to know me, do they have the right to criticize? I have stayed quite firm on this case but recently my faith is staggering when more people are joining in the flow of calling me and molding me into a person I am not.

Not-so-recently I have quarreled with a certain bitch who used her mother to push me down, who used her "friends" to corner me back, whom I was previously quite sure I could win her in the examinations.

I am not so sure now. Everybody's pushing me back.

Darn, I sound like I am blaming everybody for the things that I cannot do once again. It's my fault really, it's my fault. Why am I blaming others for my own lack of motivation?

At this point of time, people will preach : "Have you looked at yourself? How you are?" blah blah blah.

I am tired to argue. Ye, it's my fault. Okay.

When darkness turns to light.

2006-09-18T03:16:00.000-07:00

I have horrible flu today, and it kind of sucks when you have to be in school for like, nine hours straight? Mr. D didn't come to school today and I had quite a nice nap in the Library.

{Sidetrack : Darn I want the black iPod Video!}

Recently a lot of things has happened, but yeah I won't blog about it here in detail. Let's just say I am playing the role of a listening ear once again, people around me are treating me the same and deja vu happens.

I don't know what am I doing with my life. It seems so mundane, like a game. Where everything that happens are because of your decisions, and there will be a time where everything's game over.

However, there are things that games cannot compare to Life. Games are programmed - what is meant to happen, will happen ; while things that are meant not to happen will never happen. Unlike humans - "ren xing nan ce".

Ah whatever.

I got quite upset today because I didn't do as well as I have hoped for Chinese Comprehension today - a mere 11/20. However, my Essay got 73/100! And my teacher even wrote "yi pian gan ren de ai qing gu shi" (For the uninitiated, it means : "A touching love story".) Hyak hyak, especially when I was going for the love story cliche thing as I didn't really have any inspiration (shall post my Zuo Wen up when I have the Chinese program).

Lately I've realised, if I don't buck up I am going to lose to her. Yes, her.

I hate her.

Oh shucks tomorrow's Art Paper ZOMGWTFBBQ, and I have no idea how to do that piece of shitted research (cue : no A3 paper).

Insecurity issues.

2006-09-17T04:38:00.000-07:00

I suck, and I can't help but keep thinking that somebody, who I have been so nicely to, hates me.

Fuck.

On the main point, Trombone Choir Concert yesterday was hot. Bass Trombone Solo by Mr. Wong!

:D

And now, SOMEBODY OWES ME SEVEN DOLLARS, and I owe XL ten.

Not going into details.

Stares dreamily.

2006-09-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

*hums Dream in the Silent Night contentedly*

I like that song, especially What Child is This. The woodwinds progessing to a rounded sound with the brass is just beautiful.

Today was full of the usual jargon. You know, get ostracised, scolded, hit in the nose by a bloody rubber and such. Yes, somehow I am very ticked off by those girls who feels the need to compete with everybody and prove that she is the one that knows everything and has experienced everything.

Oh, so she can flip through my sketchbook and I can't see hers?

Just when she said, "Don't flip!" I was preparing to close the book but she throw the bloody hard rubber at me and it hit MY FACE. Why can't she wait for things to be settled before jumping into such a conclusion? And I don't think it is a funny joke to be laughed at.

To say the least, I was very upset. She's always being such a person, and I have no idea why I even put up with her (clue: You have no friends, loser). She keeps boasting about her 27-year-old boyfriend, how she has experienced and read every single comic book that I've reccomended to her and such.

Not to mention whenever she feels unwelcomed, she can just pop by the BN guys and mosey along with them - she treats boys so much better than us girls (Just like MW!). Why why why? Why are all the girls like that? Are guys so important?

Arggggggh. I was horribly pissed.

Anyway, The Sandy Code :D It's damn funny please. How some girls are so desperate to think that a guy likes them because he is cordial to her.

It's funny, how girls get so easily influenced by guys nowadays. It's stupid.

But then again, girls are bitches guys are bastards (I know it's a really general statement and it refers to the people in my school)~ Girls can bite you and stab you real deep without you knowing WTF happened, and guys are just oblivious to everything around them especially girls who are so fucking desperate and cling on to them.

I see everything and I get disgusted by it.

{Sidenote : Tomorrow's Trombone Choir and I am not planning to meet my section before going to NAFA. Why? Because I've realised they have organised a study group (as a section) without me. As they do not regard me as a member, I shall not care about them either. I am mean in that way. Oh and because some of them are really fake and they pretend to be so nice. Boasting that they have passed Physics test (which I failed) was no help either.}

The pressure of EoYs are really on, because everybody is mugging and I am still taking my own sweet time. I just can't get to focus, I really can't. I feel so weak, so vulnerable...and I am afraid I will get retained.

Darn school.

{Edit}

Thank you for making me sound like the villian again. Yes yes yes I am the villian. It's my fault. MY FUCKING FAULT, alright? You're correct and infalliable and everything. Yes I am wrong. What do you want me to do? Die? Or what, beg for your forgiveness every fucking hour?

I hate you. You are no different from the rest of the adults, treating me as somebody who I am not and I will never be.
{/Edit}

Die you fook.

2006-09-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

Ergh today was a horrible day of sorts. I am feeling as soft as a grape right now - as in my mind boundaries. I feel as if I am squashed and squeezed to make wine. Something alcoholic so I can forget everything that's passing through my mind right now.

Expectations.

We talked about that in Literature today, didn't we?

Every single parent has expectations of their children - unreasonable expectations, expectations we can never achieve. Just so they can show off to those other stupid materialistic friends of theirs, and we are something to boast about.

What are we, as children? Mere toys? Exhibtions to gawk at, or let those stupid tai-tais go, "Ooooh so clever!"? What are we?

We are merely pawns that our parents fool with.

I can never fill into the big shoes my parents have prepared to me. I might be the eldest child, the eldest cousin...but do I deserve all of this? All of this stupid shit pressure.

Especially with EoYs around the corner, I am feeling more of these (refer to previous post). It's like a ten ton weight smacking right on my head.

Kinda gets you down at times.

2006-09-14T01:37:00.000-07:00

I am back on Blogger. Actually, the ONLY reason I've switched to LJ is because I was hoping it would bring some privacy. If I can reprimanded on a fucking online journal, it would be better off with one that looks nice.

Bleugh.

Anyway the usual. General stuffs and rant.

School was a total bore today. I screwed up with A Maths and Physics today, and I have a feeling that I am going to flunk my EoYs.

EoYs in 16 days. Sixteen WTF days. And I haven't got my Maths and Sciences down pat, not to mention the pressure building on me has totally broken down my English (I couldn't even write a proper essay, whack me).

Damn. This is the first time that I am feel so vulnerable because of Examinations. I admit, previously for all those years I have been taking every thing easily. I played and slept my days through my PSLE, I woke up late for Secondary Two's End-of-Year papers and such...but now.

Argh.

FUCK EXAMS! FUCK EXAMS! FUCK EXAMS! The society's pressure is so stifling, and to people like me who can never do well - it's like a rat race, like a game. The winners pulverise the losers. There's no words that can describe how fucked up this whole cycle is.

I can't focus. I can't do anything right.

Fuck.